Skin Deep

Walking back from the boulangerie this morning, my baguette deliciously warm and fragrant, I looked up and suddenly stopped breathing. At the end of the street, heading towards me, was a distant vision of such staggering beauty that I simply had to stare. Brazenly, Frenchly. It seemed impossible that such a gut-twistingly gorgeous specimen should be sharing my footpath. I finally remembered to breathe again and watched transfixed as he approached. Such shoulders and waist, such turn of leg and cut of jaw. Closer and closer, details popping sexily into focus.

And then, finally, he was close enough for me to get a proper look. I almost dropped my baguette in disgust. Those teeth - like tombstones! That skin - so unfortunate! That eyebrow! Looking away, I hastened home, the disappointment bitter in my mouth.

This ugly duckling in reverse was - alas! - a classic example of what we used to call D.O.A. - Deteriorates On Approach. When we were at Uni, and TV medical dramas were at their height, we had amused ourselves by subverting this acronym (Dead On Arrival) to reflect our more immediate preoccupations. We skipped countless tutorials coming up with pages and pages of these lust-killers. Permit me to share some which come to mind:

DOTA - Deteriorates On Turning Around
DOOM - Deteriorates On Opening Mouth
DORIQ - Deteriorates On Revealing I.Q.
DOIF - Deteriorates On Introducing Friends
DOSU - Deteriorates On Sobering Up
DOSOOT - Deteriorates On Singing Out Of Tune
DODDLE - Deteriorates On Dancing Dangerously Like an Elephant
DOPPITY - Deteriorates On Picking Pimples In Teenage Years

Ah, the gilded superficiality of youth. Perhaps, in hindsight, with the wisdom and wrinkles of age, I should finally add:

IORIB - Improves On Revealing Inner Beauty.