Parisaurus

It's almost 18 months since we moved here, so I thought I'd mark the occasion by sharing some terms I've come up with to help describe the unique experience of being an outsider in Paris.
If you've ever lived in, visited or even read about this city, I'm sure you can think of many more... feel free to share any others you come up with and I'll compile them in future posts!

aisle high n.
The dizzying sense of euphoria experienced by Australians when they see the range of alcohol available in French supermarkets.

bark de triomphe n.
The self-satisfied yap uttered by a poodle when it sees you step in its freshly-laid crotte.

Dionify v.
The mystifying tendency of the French to elevate Canadian singers to god-like status.

expatois n.
The curious brand of franglais spoken between expats with varying proficiency in French. “Why don’t you pop in chez moi pour un apéro around six-thirty?”

FNAC jacket n.
Extra-thick skin required to shop at the customer-unfriendly retailer of cultural and electronic consumer products. “The guy in the DVD department just laughed at me when I asked for help… lucky I had my FNAC jacket on.”

haught couture n.
A certain look and attitude cultivated by sales assistants in the boutiques along the rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré. “Epitomising haught couture, the Chanel shopgirl looked down her nose and spat at me as I gazed at the window display.”

height stroke n.
Seizure caused by climbing too many monuments to get a bird’s eye view of Paris.

hellivision n.
Saturday night in France without cable.

kafkardiac arrest n.
The heart-constricting climax of frustration when, after 8 hours of dehumanising bureaucracy, you are told you need 2 more passport photos, 17 more copies of your birth certificate and another chest x-ray before you can get your Carte de Séjour.

métrognome n.
A diminutive underground train busker, usually playing the accordion. “The mournful strains of the métrognome halted abruptly as I tripped over him.”

mood poisoning n.
A sickening change in outlook caused by a random act of rudeness. “He was really cheerful this morning, but picked up a nasty case of mood poisoning from the bitch in the Post Office.”

phlegm brulée n.
A special dish served by proud French chefs when Anglo-Saxon philistines send back an “underdone” steak.

sacré blur n.
What a tour-group tourist sees of Paris in 48 hours.

sneer campaign n.
The relentless process between entrée and dessert whereby a waiter completely undermines your self-confidence and makes you question what on earth you’re doing in Paris.

unwhinged adj.
Describing the sudden evaporation of negative thoughts precipitated by a glimpse of unexpected beauty. “I stormed out of the Préfecture in tears of anger, cursing and swearing, when I looked up to see the spire of Sainte Chappelle glowing in the afternoon sun, and I was instantly unwhinged.”

waterlouvre n.
The sinking feeling experienced in a museum when you finally surrender to the fact that you can’t possibly see everything in one day.